9th April 2010

Man.......

Sometimes I think that we were actually born to be on our own.... I find it so difficult trying to share my life with someone else?! How come so many people make relationships and marriages and all that jazz look so easy?! It is such a crazy thing?!

I have a wonderful boyfriend and I love him to bits, but gosh.... I find this stuff all just too much sometimes!

Perhaps we are all actually just mean't to be single, and have lots of friends rather than picking that one person, and saying, okay your it mate!? Why is it like this?! With all my little OCDness, my bossiness and my control freakness, I seriously think I am mean't to be alone... I don't know how or why Marty or anyone in particular wants to put up with all my nonsense sometimes... I really think I would be better off alone.... I could just be friends with everyone that way and then life would be swell...

Don't get me wrong though, I am not saying it in a sad and miserable way... I am just trying to grasp all this relationship stuff. I have had only one serious relationship in the past I would say. Although when I look back now, I guess I was still young and didn't know anything different. I now live with my boyfriend, do almost everything with him, have to deal with every little thing that comes with all this malarky... Its nuts! He is not me, and I am not him, so how do you make it work?!

I like to have things done how I like them done. I am right in everything that I decide to do. (Most of the time!) I don't want anyone telling me what to do. I just want to get on with the things I want to get on with. How do you fit someone else in, and their needs, and then my needs, and that other thing called 'our' needs... It really is a lot of work! It is not an easy thing I tell you....

Once again, I am absolutely not dissing Marty one bit, I am just trying to understand the whole concept of relationships, why we have them, what the point is... etc etc...

It is times like these that I just wish I knew all the answers, what the point of everything is you know?! I have done some stupid, stupid stuff in my life so far, and I am not even really old yet am I?! How have I managed to do such stupid things? Why didn't I ever think about the consequences? What on earth did I benefit from any of it?! I have no idea... I honestly don't.... I just have no idea about a lot of stuff a lot of the time.

I hope there are other people out there who feel the same? I hope it is not just me and my slight madness that makes me think about things like this... I have been told several times that I think about stuff too much, but I can't help that! How do you stop your mind thinking about things?! I persevere with everything... I am happy most of the time... I have a wonderful boyfriend who does adore me... I adore him too.... I like Cape Town... I miss London... I hope that this is the correct path I have chosen.... I wish I was still 22 and not nearly 29..... I wish I had all the time in the world.... I wish I didn't have to get old... I wish wrinkles never existed... I wish food wasn't fattening... I wish I had pockets of money... I wish so many things.... But mainly I wish that I could get my head together and understand all this love & life business.....

Perhaps then I would be okay?

Perhaps there are people out there who think about stuff just the way I do?

Perhaps I should stop thinking about stuff as much as I do?

What do you reckon?